It's crazy looking back at who I was
verses who I am, now.

It's crazy.

A full 180 degree turn.


But I am thoroughly enjoying the new me.

And I'm looking forward to traveling with her in the distant future.
And with Lauren.


Now BACK to the drawing boards of life!

slipped out of reality for a second.



and my mom wasn't too thrilled about my new tattoo.
i wanted to cry.

but lauren gave me a hug instead.




life around us is fading away.
what happened to all my friends?

i guess that's what happens when you only have eyes for one person...


the rest of the world just...
slips away.


good or bad?

the other day... i was cutting a roll of bandage into thirds.

and the knife slipped and gashed the edge of my palm.

I franticly bolted down the hall and into the bathroom,
leaving small drops of blood on my way.

as I ran cold sink water over the wound
and watched the sink turn blood red,

it wasn't pain or fear I felt,

it was comfort.

Comfort in knowing i'm still human.
Comfort in knowing i'm still alive.
I still have blood running through me
no matter what.
and I will bleed
just like everyone else does.

Comfort in assurance.



it feels nice.

this semester.

it has been entirely experimental.


and even though
I fucked up my life a little bit
and a few other peoples' lives

I wouldn't have changed it.


It was good for me.

but come winter break,
i'm gonna fix things.

probably not put things
back to how they were.


but I'm gonna get this life started.
anew.

hokay?



192 days until New Zealand!1!!?!

sexy anarchist girl

I will organize your life
if you promise

to fuck up mine

and then we'll kiss


and we'll be just fine.

i hate it when i plan things in the future.


because when something happens to ruin it,

it's just a big let down.





so stuuuuupid.

500-600 dollars for my next tattoo....



THIS ONE IS THE ULTIMATE!!






remember my theory on how we're all robots??

similar to this,
but more metallic
and probably smaller
but still on my calf
and less hairy
and manly.


ima start saving now!
I'M ACCEPTING DONATIONS!
(just kidding =P)


( OMGeee! )

i can feel it coming.


is this it??


ohmygawd.

this is it.


here it comes.



THERE IT IS!!



the train.
the train with only one seat in it.
reserved for me.

one comfy seat
on the cross-country
crazy-train.


Crazy claire
gettin' on the Crazy train again.
here we go!!


Lord only knows
where the destination will be
this time.

drifting into the abstract.



I find myself quite often getting glimpses
of the "soupy chaos behind the veil"
my existentialism professor tells us about


but i don't want to end up like mister Nietzsche.


I can see why people have gotten so comfortable
with the buffers this blinded world has so kindly
provided for us.


given the choice of living with false beliefs
or to know and live in the absolute bare world
of chaos and insanity...

is a very difficult question in itself.


and i don't know which I'd prefer.




as they said in Blade Runner,
"I want more life, fuckah."

and WHY is everybody getting engaged/married?!???



WHAT THE CRAP!?



and that's it.

Summer's done.


what else is new.


I got to cross off 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 things off of my goals list.

with a remainder of 4.
But I'm not sure at what point I would consider myself to be completely left-handed.


It was certainly an interesting summer.

It had its surprises.
Its awkward moments.
Its frustrating times.
Its memorable occasions.

I think I might go so far as to say it's been my number 1 summer of life thus far.

There was much growing and maturing involved.
A lot of decisions made.
Occasional reality checks.

I saw that it was good.
And there was much rejoicing.


Now let's get this semester started!
ROCK AND FIRE!!


and good luck, everyone.

Clearing up past misunderstandings


Tying up loose ends

Emptying out my inbox


Brushing my teeth

Showering


Exercising

Bonding


Changing my major[?]

Saving my money


Working on obtaining higher patience levels

Following my dreams in the most literal way you can think of.
[I love my dreams]




I'm makin' some needed changes.

needed.
kneaded!
[homophone]

And it hurts even more than you thought

And it feels like forever just now



But one day you’ll look back on this


As just a hiccup

in your happiness.







Do you like that??
I know I did...

that's why I made a post about it.

OKAYBYE.

Aside from:

- One of the most incredible natural sightings I've ever seen

- Getting one of the last camping spots

- 8 long hours of driving...

- over 1,000 miles

- 4 different rain storms (see photos below) consisting of:
+ one right when we set up camp
+ 3 on the way home:
~ 1/3 hercules-type winds makin' me swerve everywhere and awesome bolts of lightning hitting the road
~ 2/3 about the same as the first... but right after we turned around for fear of getting lost
~ 3/3 consisting of pea-size hale, booming thunder, blinding lightning, and 4+ flash floods on a desolate highway
~ first flash flood was like a roaring rapid of chocolate milk causing us to throw it in park for a good 40 minutes with little food left and no 4-wheel drive
~ luckily there were 3 or 4 other cars in our same situation.
~ after seeing 2 cars pass over it barely, then Rusty gave it a whirl.
~ barely made it.
~ crossed over 4 more of these

- mud-stained truck

- awesome adventures with lauren

- and making for a great story


aside from all that...


the trip sucked.


=}

gone again.

but this time, also physically.



i will finally be able
to take a breath of fresh
Bostonian/Canadian air
for 10 long days.

I thank God everyday for family vacations.



it doesn't even matter that i will be in an airport for my birthday.
So i wont complain about that.
it doesn't even matter that i will miss the meteor shower either.
None of this really matters.

It's been long over-due.

here we go.



startin' new.



things are changin' round these here parts.

you can count on that much.

again and again
and again
and again.

woo-oo-wooah

breathe in.

:inhale:


now hold.


that.
right there.
that is how i feel.

hold it there.

I feel like my life is just holding its breath.


keep holding.


a constant struggle.

still holding.


continually getting more difficult.

hold it there.


border line suffering.

hold.

hold.

hold.

hold.







now let go.

:exhale:




and that's what I want.

It makes me so happy

when i see my fellow high school graduates...

TOTAL nerds

finding true nerd love.



maybe that should make me feel more like a loser,

but it doesn't.



it gives me hope.

=]

sometimes

when sailors are sailing
they think twice

about where they're anchoring

and i think i could make better
use of my time on land

I'll drink less

'cause lord knows i could use
a warm kiss

instead of a cold goodbye

i'm writing the folks back home to tell them

heyyyy iiiiii...

hey i'm doin' alright.






it's all downhill from here, i think.

i THINK
i've figured it out.


But I also think that I say that a lot.
Maybe I'm just slowly figuring out life,
one epiphany at a time.


Anyway, back to my realization.


I think that the key, or one of the main keys, on the key-ring of life
in being successful,
is to a.c.t.
like you know what you're doing.
Pretend.
we're all good at that, right?
Good. because it will help.

I find that when I act like I'm confident,
when I act like I'm happy
when I pretend I know how to cook
when I appear to not be afraid
when I put up a front
when I seem all together
and stable
and I'm not...
I find that when I fake it,
it actually happens.
I really am confident
and happy
and fearless
and stable.

Because if we act it out long enough,
eventually we just become who we fake.

wait.
is that a good thing?
crud.
i thought i had it, there, for a sec.

maybe I act too much like i understand things.
great, now I'm lost again.

nothing.


nothing
EVER.

ever.


gnihtonnothing
reveever.

works out

the way it does

in my head.


my
messed up
utopian
romantic
mind

never
gets it right.


will it
e.v.e.r.
get it
r.i.g.h.t.
?.?.?.


[lights dim. curtains close. heads fall.]

If I can't live the life I like,

then damn it, I'll make one on the Sims!



take THAT, oh great creator of claire!




and also, thank you for EA Games.

i feel like there's something I realllly want to say to someone right now.





i don't know what it is.


but i really want to say it.








well, what the crap, Claire?

...
Maybe this wasn't the summer I had planned to have about a month ago.

In fact, it definitely isn't the summer I was planning on having.
And although I would've liked to have that summer plan become a reality
[which it probably wont]
This summer is still goin' pretty dang good so far.

My revised agenda is going as planned.
and it is far more realistic than the original.

I haven't showered in almost a week.
and I have gone to the beach for the past 3 consecutive days.
my hair is sandy.
my skin is smelly.
i wake up no later than 9 every day.
i'm feelin' good.
feelin' strong and healthy.
confident.
high levels of self-esteem.

I got pretty much all my classes lined up for next semester,
and I'm very excited for all of them.


I think i have finally come to the conclusion that being happy...
or even just content..
is so much better [and more productive]
than being depressed..
and down in the dumps.

so if that's you,
then quit feeling sorry for yourself,
cancel that pity party,
and come be smelly and sandy with meee!

I think i have figured it out.

Here's my problem,
and the solution.

problem:
i think too much.
i spend too much damn time thinking.
re-thinking. and thinking some more.
all this time at home goes to waste.
I base my life around everyone ELSE,
and not myself.
I don't think i should do that.
As selfless as it is, it's getting a bit
ridiculous considering i get hardly
ANYTHING
in return.

so here's my
solution:
I need to spend less down time here.
because it causes me to think.
Thinking makes me paranoid.
and people don't like that.
I need to be outside of these walls
as much as possible.
oh, and ANOTHER thing.
[i feel like i'm lecturing myself]
I have to start living my life
less according to these people
and more according to me.
Because i need to think of what's best for me.
because, frankly, without me...
there would be no you.
at least from my perspective.


alright.
let's go out there
and let's make it happen!
yeah!
GRUNT!

so many posts in one week!
forgive me.
i guess i just have a lot to say.


anyway.
I wrote this song today.
and I am very impressed with myself.
and I might like it more than the first song i wrote, Untitled.
I haven't decided what kind of music i will put to it yet...
but i'm open for suggestions!

Somatology

[verse]
These bones they chafe with every move I make
Closer next to you.
And at every joint it cracks and screams
With each body shift you construe.

[chorus]
And in my gut soaked in blood, laking its Vitamin K
I can sense that something's wrong.
Then my legs and feet want to walk away
But my heart says "Tag along."

So my fingers clench into frustrated fists
And my pulse beats fierce and strong
While my eyes look around feeling out of place
Though my heart argues "You belong."

[verse]
This skeleton barely keeps its shape
Without someone as its crutch.
And these weak brittle bones don't cry for milk,
They just ache for you soft touch.

PHEW!

one art project down.
≥ 5 to go!

woots!


Operation: Avocado will be complete by 3:30 tomorrow morning.


ohhh how I've been missin' my early morning covert operations.

and i plan to do more this summer!
at least one BIG one that will probably include most of everyone i know.

that means yooouuu!

but i've already said too much.
so I'll probably have to kill you all.



i need to get my z's, now.

settin' the alarm for 3:21.
yeah boi!

there's so much i can relate to in there.

Lately...

I feel like I have x-ray vision into people's bodies.
Psychologically, that is.
I can't really see people's organs.

I'm not sure if they are just being really obvious,
or I'm just skilled in the art of seeing right through people.

Friend A craves the real kind of love.
Friend B is afraid to loose loved ones.
Friend C has a fear of getting too close, emotionally, due to current/past events.
Friend D wants nothing more than for people to give her attention.
Friend E is secretly wounded from the brokenness of his family, but doesn't complain.
Friend F is afraid to admit/accept the feelings she has for someone.
Friend G fears she will never find the right person.
Friend H is afraid he will never figure it out and loose her as a result.
etc.

They are my books, and I read them as if it is my assigned literature

And sometimes, I just wish these people would say it. Out loud.
For everyone's benefit.

Heck, I'll say it for myself:
I'm afraid I'll be alone all my life.
maybe not physically, but mentally.
I am also insecure and become too
emotionally attached to people at first.
And I fear I will never know the truth
about whether or not God exists, and
therefor, spend my eternal life in regret.


there.

now it's out there.
maybe that's all i really wanted to say in the first place.

I have come to the realization that the phrase/idea of

"waiting to see how things play out"


is one of the most difficult things to do.

you can't just leave something alone
and watch it to see what happens,
IF something happens.
That takes so much damn patience,
and I consider myself to be a pretty patient person.

it's so tempting...

"i should do something about this."
- there's nothing that you can do.

"i should say something."
- there's nothing you can say.

"send a card?"
- not even hallmark can help you with this one.

sorry, pal.
you're on your own.



crud.


but i'm in this one for the long haul.

because i don't know what would happen to me if I wasn't.


sometimes, i think i can see right through myself.

This is an excerpt from a book I am reading entitled:
Party Of One [The Loners' Manifesto]
and I thoroughly enjoy it.


"Artistic temperament is not a choice. [Jan] suffered for his. And it means being aware, from the time
one discovers that other people exist, that other people do not see things as one does.
Sometimes it seems that other people all see things alike,
and that however everyone else sees things it is not as one does.
It startles the young artists at first - the first few times he is told walls are not for drawing on, that mashed potatoes are not clay, that horses are not blue. In time he realizes, Oh, I'm on my own with this. My visions can't be shared or discussed in mixed company. And if I try to talk about them, someone might laugh or shake her head uncomprehendingly or try to make me stop.
Someone might hurt me.
With that epiphany comes the shock of realizing that there is an inside and an outside,
and the artist is outside.
Not by will.
By blood.
By a force beyond understanding, no more mutable than the fact that one breathes.
A shock.
The knowledge that one is alone in the world.
Alone in mind, in mission if not in flesh.
All alone, neither able to answer to any boss besides oneself nor willing.
Forever alone, a thrill and an awesome responsibility.
And life from then on
is a party of one. "



damn, this book is like my autobiography.

What if everytime somebody asked us "How are you doing?"

we were completely honest and actually explained all the feelings going on at that moment?

...

What if everytime somebody asked us "How are you doing?"

they honestly, truely, and actually meant it?

...

How would we react to this pure form of honesty?

I don't think i have ever answered that question with 100% truth.
Maybe I never will.
Maybe I am too closed up.
But maybe I don't want to be closed up.
But maybe I do, because I am afraid of rejection.
and rejection is one of my top fears.


the second being public speaking.



Are these thoughts healthy?

Some people feel like they don't deserve love.
They walk away quietly into empty spaces,

trying to close the gaps of the past.






What if I were running into your arms?
...
Would you see what I see now?

Every day...
I view my life as if I am a character in The Sims.

Maintaing good health, hygiene, social status, etc.

I keep my atmosphere as clean as I can.
I try to stay in tip-top physical condition [right].
Maintain some sort of income to pay those damn bills
and put bread on the table. [in a way..]

I try hard to keep up with my friendships, relationships...
"and all those 'ships."
and keep their scores "green" and at least somewhere above 75.

but I CAN'T use cheats.
that is the only difference, and the hardest difference,
that I have encountered thus far.
[This is why I enjoy playing the Sims more than playing my Life, sometimes =D]

especially when you got the grim reaper,
child services,
the police,
and nosy neighbors
breathing down your neck constantly.


my eyes are getting wattery,
and my fingers are cramping up.
from playing for too much, too long.


I just want to cheat.

i realize that sometimes
i am not a very exciting person.

i realize that sometimes
i just prefer being alone,
than hang out with friends.

I realize that most times
I would rather listen than talk.

I realize that sometimes,
I feel like I don't have any
opinions of my own.

I realize that most times
I look way too far into things
than I should.

I realize that sometimes
it is incredibly difficult to have
a completely serious conversation.

I realize that most times
I have a completely different
personality around certain people.

I realize that sometimes
I am far too concerned about
how I appear to people.


and I realize that these things,
these oddities,
are what make me... ME.
and I think that's why people still enjoy my presence
despite what I might be trying to convince myself.
maybe?
I'm not sure.
If that's not it, then I don't know why the heck people still like me.

i wish my brain would shut up

and my mouth would speak
what my heart is trying to explain.

then my hands would follow their lead
and my eyes would never hesitate
to look anyone straight in the eye
without fear of being seen straight through
for who i really am;

just like you.




dang.
the best stuff comes to my head just when i'm just about to fall asleep.

i will make this into a song some how.

here's the statistics:


test 1/4
61%

test 2/4
64%

test 3/4
67%

claire
100% historically mentally retarded

this means that I can get no less than a 88% on my final exam.
if i even decide to TAKE my final exam.
is it worth it?
is it worth risking the shame of being a twice failure?

i can't.










i am so done.










at least that's one more final i don't have to worry about then
=}

If there ever were a lucky kind it's
you.you.you.you.



Sometimes I feel like I have a ware-wolf in me that comes out when boredom sets in.


Like tonight.


Sometimes, I like to pretend I am serial killer like Dexter.
And I sneak around the house and find knives and such.

and hack away at my latest art sculpture/project
with my hood and sunglasses on.
and all the lights off except for one spotlight.
And i pretend I am a crazy nut
who finds pleasure in pain.
and pleasure in others' pain.


some of this is partially true.

man, i need a life.


anyway, I am generating new ideas for a tattoo...
so, I will let you know when I am finished!
[=

I am beginning to slowly hate this place more and more.


and I am beginning to wish I had never moved out, more and more.

Or that I at least had my own place.




if only.








TIME TO PASS HISTORY CLASS!!!

some people,
after having a long exhausting day,
might come home...
pop open a beer
smoke a cigg
turn on the TV
and fall asleep on the couch.

other people may
call someone nice
vent to them as to
why life sucks
and how ridiculous gas prices are
for hours, maybe.

but I, myself, am at a loss.
i don't drink beer
and I don't like phone conversations.
what else is left?
so i eat my applesauce straight from the jar.
I watch a couple episodes of a nice show
and go to bed early
with a listless expression on my face.
much like this:
-_-
except i have glasses on.

and i hope.
i hope that my dream day
will be better than my reality day.

and that's all i've got to look forward too

there's that feeling I've been craving so much.

there it is.



the one that makes me feel like it was all a dream,

but it WAS'NT.



here it is.










I KNEW she liked me

[=

hey guys...so I haven't posted in 3 eons, i know.

And for some reason, I wanted to post this video here.


The story behind it:
My friend Monty (singer/guitar), had to make a music video for his filming class..
So he used one of his awesome songs that he wrote for it.
He used me for the "girl"
and his friend Daniel for the "boy"

that was kindddd of awkward..since dan is my best friend's boyfriend (haha).
but it was prealty (pretty+really?) fun to make it.
my outfit(s) were picked out by dan,
and both monty and dan did my makeup...(i know).


and it also started pouring rain during the first scene (which you luckily can't see)


so enjoy this first viewing of me...as a "girl"
[=

here's an update of my life, recently.

A lot has changed.
and a lot will continue to change as well.


First and foremost, i have a hot date this thursday.
HIS name is Ashton.



[that was him in st. louis in front of the arch]

we're going to the park to feed ducks [=

so along with that first bit of news, you might have caught the fact that
i'm going on a date with a male species. Yes. I'm fer reals.
God has moved in my life in incredible ways, and I no longer have the desire
to swoon over girls.

although, i still have tendencies, i'll admit.

NEXT order of business..
i'm moving out tomorrow, officially.
with
GRANDMA!!
i'm so excited.
i've been waiting for the moment..for all my life [hold oo-onnn]
that'll be fun, i know.

also, i'll be attending csuf late august, with a declared major of Art Sculpting.
totally excited for college. goodness, i can't even tell you how anxious i am!

I'm leaving for church camp Monday for a week.
after that, my 18th birthday is august 6th.
after that, a family reunion in Oregon is occuring.
after that is beach week/school week.
after that, i'm getting my tattoo.
after that...well...i'll play the rest by ear.

Life is amazing right now.
I'm happy. My friends are happy.
God is happy.
Lives are changing.
People are growing.

Life is just WORTH LIVING.

I kinda felt like posting on livejournal this time

instead of myspace or...just not at all.


So i have this new feeling pulsing through my blood stream.
I don't know; it might be a bad one, or maybe a good one,
but I like it.

I feel like doing everything without caring about what people say.

I feel like causing a scene.
clapping my hands
and stomping my feet.
or something

because i literally just started to get myself over me.

I'm in the mood to break the law.
violate the social normalities.
punch a rat.
ride a raptor.
kiss a stranger.
quit my job [N/A].
tell someone off.


but i'm not mad.

it's weird. i've never felt it before..


but i'm not afraid.

i regret to inform you all

that i bought an ipod.





that's all i have to report.



and also


i'm planting a tree somewhere,
but apparently it's illegal to do it anywhere but your own property,
so i'm gonna be illegal
and help the environment.


did i mention my abhorrance for senior projects?

things are getting way worse for us, as of late.

Kellie's parents haven't changed.
we were supposed to hang out at disneyland next tuesday,
but her parents found the voicemail from me.
and it probably wont happen.
Becca tells me that her parents are going to come to my house
to "straighten things out".
Her parents are threatening to take away everything from her.


And Kellie's packing a suitcase.


I'm so unbelievably scared.
mainly for Kellie.

What's going to happen.

God, I'm loosing faith.

she said yes! she said yessss!!


ahhhh i'm so excited and nervous and anxious and happy and stufff!!

here's what i did:

I emptied out a floss container of all it's unused floss [ha]
I typed out, on a thin strip of paper:
"hey, kellie, sorry this isn't real floss. I know you gots stuff stuck in your teeth, but consider it the first sacrifice to this relationship. Yep, relationship. So will you go out with me? If you want to, please give me a hug. If you say no, i wont give you any real floss..." [props to Danny!]
I rolled it up onto the floss spool.
So when she opens it, and pulls it out, she can read it.

I placed that floss containter into a ziplock bag of popcorn. [she loves popcorn [= ]
and I gave it to her today after 5th period, then ran away.
When i saw her after 6th period/after school. I stood paitently waiting for her as usual.
and she comes up to me...
slowly.
and gives me a huggg!!
and says...
"it took you long enough!"
and i says...
"best weekend ever."
and kayla says...
"awwwe, isn't that cuuute."

and it's been great ever since!
and tonight, we're going to see Stranger Than Fiction with...
Monty.
her ex boyfriend.
haha.
awkward mucchh??
hopefully not.


ahhhhh, i love you, liffffe!!!

best weekend ever.
[=

soooooooo, claire has been lazy.

with everything, except life.
which has been busy.

which is good, but I'm always tired.
I don't even have a job, so i'm not sure what my excuse is.
at any rate,
I'm having fun.
School isn't too hard, since I'm actually applying myself.
Doin' a lot of things with church.
[wanting to]Seeing movies [sorta]

just enjoying the feeling of love at it's best.


what? claire said love.
nah.
yah.

but I don't want to get off topic. The REAL reason I am writing is because...
I guess that IS the real reason; nevermind.


and this time...
there's hope.
so much hope,
that I may, infact...die.
die? no.
i don't know.
there's just hope, okay?!
okay. great.


So what is everyone going to be for holloween?
I'm gonna be a unicorn, based on this video.

And i'm hanging out with my love.

Alrighty,
so i'm gonna make this quick and painless because
A) i haven't posted in a while and
B) i wanna go to bed.

Life has been real fine and dandy lately. And when people ask me about it, and I say "mm..can't complain."
I actually mean it. Usually, what I'd really mean is, I WONT complain. But i really...can't..complain.
Tomorrow I'm getting baptized. [=
( I'm totally psyched to bathe in the Lord's water! )

Tomorrow, I will also be preparing a massivley delicous dinner for my dad's side of the family...with my cousin. It's gonna be awesome, and you're all going to love it. Even though...you probably wont be there. It's still gonna be great.


I finished my tab tie.
i'll do pictures later.
And i'm working on another one for kellie.
because she's my favourite.
My mind is bursting with creativity.
It's terrific!


And I'm really diggin' this new Decemberists album.



So, what's there to complain about? Maybe global warming is about it...But who's doin' anything to change that, anyway.

and, hangin' out with Zaniel tonight was just...you know...dannytastic.


woo!

time for bed.


rockin' it out on the keyssss..